ramble on

I got such a pent up backlog of writing, I’m expecting it’ll make quite a mess here. Ah well better late than never I suppose…

Where to begin? I have not slept well today so forgive me if I go too far.

The darkness inside is poking its head above water gasping for air, is disturbing a little. Not very dark, not ugly, not angry, not mean. Just maybe.. angst. Fear. Ennui. I feel this tremendous sense today that nothing will ever be enough, that no matter how wonderful and beautiful and magical and tender and sweet and courageous and graceful.. I’ve forgotten the topic actually.

I’m having a bit of internal editor today, trying to correct my words. Shut up you! You’re not the boss of me.

Ok get on track here. What are some things I should have been writing lately?

Well I had good idea about memoir. Told anti-chronologically via therapy and flashbacks to show descent into chaos and trauma while backdrop of childhood and young adulthood unfolds on the couch. Mirrors the kaleidoscope that is trauma and gradually restitching into a new quilt. Also thought of section headings like Hell, Limbo, Nirvana, etc.

Of course, also need to churn out a few thousand pages of memories while the first 45 are still fresh in there… Yes must do some *writing* soon. Today!

Music is for lovers. When it hits you feel no pain.

I had some massive insights about treemap dissertation, only to lose them once again. Hoping they will come back. Should devote specific times to writing and editing on these topics.

Being an autodidactic savant and recursively introspective while highly psychically intuitive has its downsides. I would elaborate but too ironic.

What else?

The world unfolds in ways we never envisioned despite so much effort to foresee our paths, and in reality it is our karmic doings that most controls that which we have any control over in this unfolding. We cling, we lose. We attach, we lose. We are present with open heart, we win. We love despite falling and we share the joys and sorrows so as to not suffer in aloneness. Dark? I think not.

Oh I did the rally and march to Impeach Trump Now! in Denver yesterday. Was good day. Also discovered and played free pianos downtown there, and got some smiles and even applause and phone recorders my last sit down! Very nice 🙂 I should maybe practice something…

Public, private, intimate, abstract, timeless, mythical, mystical, morbid, compassionate, conservative, questions pending, never ending

I like to ramble because it’s jazz, it’s cabaret, it’s rock ‘n’ roll. I’m truly blown away.

Feels good to write. Clear the pipes.

When you find what you didn’t know you were looking for, it’s beautiful and miraculous. But then what? The rocking starts my wheels of despair…

Thank you though God. Whether you exist or perhaps are some hyperadvanced alien race running us in the simulator, or even if you are but a figment of the collective imagination (images being the substance of the soul, I’ve been told). Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Still cannot bring myself to say Namaste in sincerity. Hippies.